As I was relaxing on my bed earlier this afternoon, I realized that while these last few weeks are some of the hardest, they are also some of the most sacred. My boys are anxious to meet their brother who they knew before they came to this earth. What a wonderful time that will be for them to see him and know that he is their brother, not just in this life, but forever! It’s a blessing to know that this wild and crazy family Colby and I are raising will be a family for eternity!

Although my body aches and some days are harder than others, there is nothing I love more than feeling those little kicks in my belly or the small frequent jolts when he gets the hiccups. Being a mother is one of the hardest yet most rewarding experiences! I realized today, that while I am uncomfortable, I may never be pregnant again! I may never get to see a baby on an ultrasound scan, feel the little kicks, watch my belly grow and grow as the weeks go on, or even later deal with the pains of labor.

Should it be over tomorrow, I want nothing more than to remember how wonderful it has been to carry four little boys in my belly! I am extremely blessed to have been given the opportunity to be a mother! Should it be over tomorrow, I want to remember the pains, the worries, the sleepless nights, the painful contractions, and even the swollen feet. Should it be over tomorrow, I want to remember how sacred it has been to bring such special spirits to this earth. I need to be better about teaching them the gospel and loving them more and more each day. I need to remember that Heavenly Father has trusted me with them and it’s my duty to help bring them back to him. Should it be over tomorrow, I want all my children to know that I love them and care for them beyond anything I can describe. Should it be over tomorrow, I want them to know, it was all worth it!

After about a half hour, it was getting dark. Cohen started nodding his head and was definitely ready for bed. I took Cohen from Colby and we headed up to his room to bed. I called for Trevin & Easton and told them to brush their teeth. As I went to lay Cohen in his bed he woke up and said, “Mama lay by me.” Lately hearing him call me “Mama” is my absolute favorite thing in the world. I have been called a number of different names from my kids but never “Mama.”

With all the boys in their beds, I laid next to Cohen. He was chatting and apparently didn’t want to go to sleep. I was contracting, my back hurt, and I was tired myself. I started to quietly sing some primary songs to him and rubbed his back. After a few minutes, he finally dozed off to sleep…

I laid in his bed with him for about thirty more minutes. For some reason my mind drifted off to my own childhood days. The sounds of the cars whistling by in the street below, the old home feel, the glimmer from the light across the street peeking in through the blinds, and the humidity in their room brought back all fond memories of living in Springville. As a little girl, I remember my bedroom looking and feeling exactly the way their room feels. I was reminded of looking out my window to the cars on the street below and the tall lights glowing over at Grant Elementary School. Summer days were spent irrigating with my grandparents, playing night games with the neighbor kids, and riding Grandma & Grandpa’s lawn mower with them, just like Cohen does with Colby.

I never once felt neglected, lonely, or unloved. I had the best childhood and remember nothing but fond memories. Our home was a place of happiness and comfort. I knew when I was at home with my parents that everything was ok. Last night, I wondered if this is how my own children feel. Do they love their life? Do they feel safe in their home? And do they ever feel neglected or less fortunate in any way?

I want nothing but the best for my children. I want home to be a place of comfort and happiness. I want my children to play in the grass, build forts, play in the dirt, jump on the trampoline, ride their bikes to the park, and enjoy being kids. Last night as I lay close by them while they were sleeping, I wondered what they were dreaming of. As a mother, I hope they were dreaming of a childhood exactly like mine.

Last night Trevin told me he was going to bear his testimony at church. I was slightly caught off guard knowing I hadn’t really encouraged this or ever asked him about it (because I wanted it to be his choice). He explained to me that his primary teacher had encouraged all her students to bear their testimony on Sunday. Knowing Trevin was considering this made me sort of sad because Colby is out of town. I wanted him to be there to see it, but also didn’t want to discourage Trevin from doing it. Honestly, I had been contemplating even attending sacrament with three kids alone. Looking back, I think this was part of the Lord’s way of telling me I needed to embrace the challenge and attend all three meetings.

I put the kids to bed last night and debated setting my alarm to get up for sacrament meeting. I knew I needed to but honestly, I just didn’t want to. I really wanted to watch a chick flick by myself and eat a banana creamie in silence (it had been one of those days). I went to the freezer only to find someone had eaten the last cherished creamie. Bummer. I sat on the couch, turned on the TV, and couldn’t get myself to pay attention to anything I was watching. After about ten minutes of pointless TV, I decided to head to bed (at 8:30). I set my alarm and said a prayer.

The alarm went off bright and early and I stubbornly went right back to bed. A few minutes later the snooze function on my phone kicked in and I was out of bed again. To the shower I went…

As I walked downstairs from the shower, I found Trevin pouring a bowl of cereal for his brothers. Trevin & Easton were both in their church suit with their shoes on as well. All three of them were eating cereal and getting ready by themselves for church. I was amazed! After breakfast, Trevin grabbed a set of scriptures for him and Easton and while sitting at our small table in the kitchen, he read from the Book of Mormon. That has never happened! My heart swelled as I stood in the bathroom listening to them quietly.

Sacrament meeting came and something was different in Trevin’s attitude. He usually can’t hold still for more than three minutes and his constantly asking for a snack. Today was different. He didn’t move a muscle and sat quietly the entire time. Towards the end of the meeting, he asked if there was enough time for him to share his testimony. I explained we only had a few minutes and it would depend on how long the current speaker took. With about six minutes left in sacrament meeting, I turned to see Trevin walking up the aisle. I suddenly got nervous and grabbed Cohen knowing him and Easton would want to see him.

Trevin walked right up to the pulpit without any fear and started his testimony:

“I like to bear my testimony. I know the church is true. I am grateful for my family and my primary teachers. I am grateful to be a member of the church and I am glad Briggs (Wright) could be baptized yesterday. I know Joseph Smith was a true Prophet. I love the scriptures and like reading the Book of Mormon. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.”

Tears filled my eyes. How could it possibly be, that my oldest son was old enough to bear his testimony without any help, with confidence, and with such a positive attitude? He didn’t rush his testimony or say what the last child had said. I truly believe he said what he meant and I felt the love he had for the gospel.

This past week has been a struggle with Colby being gone. While I haven’t complained to anyone, I miss having him here to help me with the boys. I’ve had a lot of struggles with Trevin and Easton especially and found myself wondering what I could do differently at home to help them educationally, spiritually, and also help them know how loved they are. Today helped me understand that although I still have things to work on as a mother, maybe, just maybe, I am doing something right as a mother.

The role of the mother is to nurture and care for her children, to teach them everyday, to listen and be there for her children, to assist in the duties of her husband by providing meals and making sure family dinner is a priority, and so on. I am sad to admit, but lately I have found myself raising my voice at my children more often than I probably should. I have become the type of mother who is running from place to place, who doesn’t pay enough attention to her children, and a mother who probably sets her priorities and wants above her children’s needs. Vicki said something yesterday that really stuck with me. She gave an example of a quote her grandmother used to say which is, “Don’t say NO to your children unless you have to.”

This saying struck me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes I feel like mother’s can get so caught up in the everyday hustle and bustle that we often say “No” to our children just because it’s easiest. “No” in a my personal mind means I don’t have to clean up a disaster after they get done playing with watercolors. “No” means I’m too busy to go play outside with you or watch and make sure you’re safe while you’re playing. “No” means I really just want to sit here and browse Instagram for a little while. “No” means you’re bothering me.

This week I am hoping to pay more attention to the priorities of my family and be attentive to my children more often than usual. I never make a homemade breakfast for my kids or Colby and tomorrow it’s happening. Tomorrow I am going to read books with my kids, get off my phone more, and hopefully play games with them while Colby is at Young Mens.

My kids and my husband are my world. I need to remember that. I need to cherish that.

Flash Back…

A few years ago when Colby and I were living in St. George, I started taking the Bell Family’s photos. I always loved taking pictures of Dezie because Josie always had her dressed in the cutest outfits! Anyway, I believe it was the second time I had photographed their family when Dezie didn’t want to cooperate very well for the family pictures. Dezie kept insisting she hold a little girl doll in most of their pictures. After trying to battle with her for a little while and doing anything I could to pull the doll out of the pictures, Josie finally gave in and let Dezie hold the doll. In the end, the photos turned out pretty cute and by the end of the session I was able to get a few family photos without the doll.

At the time of their family photos, Josie was 14 weeks pregnant with their second child. She later found out she was expecting a little girl. To make a long story short, sadly, Reggie was stillborn just a few weeks before her due date. I’ll never forget the pain I felt hearing the news of Reggie’s passing. I prayed Kyle & Josie would be comforted. To this day, Josie still loves the photos we took of Dezie holding that precious little doll. In Josie’s eyes, it symbolizes Reggie being there with them. Maybe, just maybe Dezie knew something we didn’t…

I have photographed the Bell Family several times since Reggie’s passing and have ALWAYS felt something special at their sessions. I have never told Josie that before, but there is definitely something “different” about photographing their family. A few weeks ago I got the wonderful opportunity to photograph them again. While editing their pictures, I came across this image of them walking. The more I looked at the image, the more I felt like Gabby was looking at something. I contemplated making the image “complete,” but didn’t know if doing so would bring back saddened memories for Josie. I showed my husband who immediately said it was a bad idea all around. This morning I woke up and I couldn’t stop thinking about the image. I texted Kyle and asked his honest opinion.

I waited a few minutes. No reply. I got slightly nervous and felt like maybe I should have just listened to Colby in the first place (but what wife listens to their husband all the time). Kyle finally texted me back saying, “Oh Nat. I’m in tears. That is the greatest idea…” I was beyond excited! I told Kyle I wanted to surprise Josie this afternoon with her disk. He came to my house after he got off work to grab the disk and a small note I had wrote for Josie. When he left, I felt anxious, excited, and emotional all at the same time!

Today was special for me. I believe it was special for Kyle and Josie as well. She came over a few hours later, slightly emotional, gave me a hug, and a small note herself. It was everything I needed and more. This is why I love what I do. These are the moments I hope for in my client’s eyes. These are the days that make all those late nights editing worth it.

Colby and I had just arrived in Nephi after spending the weekend in Bear Lake with Riley, Tana, & Kloie at the cabin. We needed to talk to a friend of ours about some business at the store so we invited him over to chat. I was excited to talk to him about plans to help our business grow and excited to hopefully help his dream come true as well. We invited him in and starting chatting like we always do. If I had known what was ahead I would have invited him to come sit on the couch. Instead, he stood inside the front door with Colby and I close by in the front room. We talked for MAYBE twenty minutes about the business, our plans, and our hopes. We discussed past business adventures and what we saw in the future.

What was just business talk soon led into family talk which somehow ventured into testimony meeting (in my opinion).

While I wish I felt like I had the right to post everything we discussed last night, it’s personal. It’s personal to Colby and I and also personal to our friend. Colby and I talked a lot about our life and our friend told us personal information about his own life. Needless to say, we found out some amazing things about his family, his wife, his past life, her past life, and circumstances that led them to become the wonderful family they are today. You have no idea how amazing it was to hear, but I promise you, it strengthened my testimony tremendously! I wish I had my journal with me while we were talking, because I had so many thoughts and feelings overcome me. I’m not sure any of us had dry eyes by the time he left. And for me, the spirit was so strong. I couldn’t hold back my emotions and while that was somewhat embarrassing, it was wonderful as well! Colby and I went to bed that night changed. I can’t explain it, but something was different. It was a wonderfully, peaceful feeling!

Sometimes when I think the Lord isn’t hearing my prayers or I’m not getting the answers I need, the Lord speaks through others and answers our prayers when we least expect them. Last night that happened to me. And I think it happened to Colby as well. Whether our friend realizes the impact he has been in our life or not, he and his family have been a blessing in our life these last few months. They are the greatest examples to us and we cherish their friendship!

Our life has not been the easiest these last few months-starting a business, making the decision to quit a job, raising three children, not having a husband around as much as I would like, and numerous other trials have come our way. However, somehow I am filled with peace and happiness. The gospel is true and Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. He knows us individually and bears our burdens. He knows what we need and while we may not know why we go through the trials we face, he has a plan for each of us. I know that because I have felt it. My life is blessed beyond measure and I couldn’t be more grateful for the trials in my life. These trials have made me a stronger person mentally and spiritually. I have hope there is wonderful joy ahead!

About thirty minutes later while I was sitting at the table eating some cereal, my Mom called saying Mason (my sister’s little boy) was struggling to breathe and she was pretty concerned. I shoveled a few more spoonfuls of cereal in my mouth, didn’t even brush my teeth, grabbed my keys, and headed up to my sister’s house to check on him (without any shoes). Colby was home for another hour before going to work so I knew I had a few minutes to help. When I arrived, Mason was definitely struggling to breathe and his little belly proved it. He was retracting, wheezing, and coughing every once in a while. I told my mom he needed to see a doctor. I got in my van and drove back to my house to find our nebulizer. When I got back to Hilary’s house, my mom asked if I could just take Marlee home with me and she would take Mason to the hospital.

Sure. No big deal. Right? I grabbed Marlee’s bag of stuff and we headed back home.

The second I walked in the door I realized I had also agreed to watch my cute little neighbor boy for a few hours today. Marlee also had her first day of dancing today and I had to take Easton to pre-school! How in the world was I going to take Marlee to her first day of dancing and drop off Easton at pre-school at the same time? Would I take Marlee early and hope she didn’t scream or want me to stay? Should I ask my friend to take Easton to school? And on top of that, what was I going to do with Cohen and how was I going to be back fifteen minutes later to watch Titus? My mind raced and I figured out a plan. I would take Easton to Keisha’s house early, take Marlee to dancing while holding Cohen, change her shoes, pray she didn’t scream and want me to stay, and then race back home in time to watch Titus.

My plan almost worked out perfectly. Tim arrived at the hospital just in time for my Mom to come get Marlee. She was already dressed and had a small photo session (for Hilary). My Mom took Easton to Keisha’s on the way to taking Marlee to dancing. I was set. That was until I realized I hadn’t ordered my tomatoes for my canning session I had scheduled with Tana & Alisha tomorrow or ran over a check to Radonna like I told her I would. Run to the Corn Stand, order my tomatoes, took a check to Radonna, and made it back to see Natasha standing at my door with Titus. Lucky for me she was early so hopefully I didn’t make her late…

After Natasha left, my eyes swelled with tears. I was more than happy to help everyone who needed it, but the day I had planned for myself quickly was not the day I had hoped it would be.

Titus and Cohen played like they had been best friends forever and I was lucky enough to get some tomatoes canned before Colby picked Trevin and Easton up from school. The boys were excited as they walked through the door drinking some small sodas Colby had bought for them. They told me a few highlights of their day and then Trevin said, “Mom can we have a special dinner tonight?” Special dinner? I wasn’t sure what he meant, but decided I would do my best. My day had been full of things to do and service to provide that it made me excited to do something exciting for my children. With no plan in place, I threw some chicken in the crock pot and told them to grab some paper and markers. Party hats seemed like something “special” for dinner.

Trevin, Easton, and I sat at our kitchen table for well over an hour while Cohen took a nap. We designed party hats complete with a crumpled napkin top. The boys put a shiny yellow table cloth on the table, the party hats as the center piece, and set the table with orange napkins at Easton’s request. It was the perfect setting in my eyes and the boys were beyond excited! I took a picture of the party hats the boys had made and sent it to Colby. I explained we would be having a “special dinner” at 7:00 tonight for family night.

After the table was set and the party hats made, I had envisioned what I wanted tonight to be like…all of us gathered around the kitchen table, visiting, laughing, and enjoying dinner together. When dinner time arrived, the boys couldn’t wait to eat. They started before Colby and me and were finished eating and off playing in their room about five minutes later. I fed Cohen some rice while Colby made his plate. Cohen finished eating and Colby and I sat down together and ate dinner without the oldest boys. We talked for a minute about how our day was and what tomorrows plans were. Trevin came and wanted a picture of Colby and me in our party hats and off to their room they went again.

My day didn’t go as planned and neither did my dream dinner. However, my heart was full of gratitude and love. I was grateful for the opportunity to serve my sister and my neighbor. I had enjoyed the afternoon with my boys coloring, talking, and planning a dinner they had hoped for. While cleaning up dinner, I enjoyed listening to the boys laugh with Colby in their room as he built them a train track. My heart was full.

While checking Facebook a few minutes ago, Natasha had posted a Mormon Message titled You Never Know. This video totally reflected how I was feeling today. Perfectly. Sometimes in life it’s hard to recognize all the good things we do. We plan our schedules and life happens. We don’t get things done and we get upset because our “to do list” wasn’t completed like we hoped it would be. However, the Lord realizes we are trying our best and as a mother, sometimes that means realizing it’s okay to stay in our pajamas all day baking, cleaning, and being a mother. Or sometimes it’s helping others when the call to serve comes our way.

http://www.mormonchannel.org/video/mormon-messages?v=3792885561001

…if only I could have made those cookies! Tomorrow it’s on my list of things to do!

Along with a few other things.

*While I was in the middle of this blog post I had to walk into Trevin & Easton’s room and remind them it was bedtime. After already telling them twice to calm down and go to bed, a few minutes later I hear Easton screaming. Trevin had thrown a toy at him and gave him a bloody nose. Just a little side note to remind myself of things that happened today.

My Mother is the one who actually taught me the correct process of canning and taught me a few of her favorite things to can including salsa, peaches, and tomatoes for her homemade spaghetti sauce. Since I have been married, I have always loved the fall season because it meant fresh produce from the garden and canning! I have since taught myself how to bottle new recipes such as roasted red pepper spread, tomato juice, jams, pickled beets, all types of pickles, and pineapple pears. I love canning and I love the memories I have from learning and knowing how to can!

As I was standing at my kitchen sink washing my beets, I looked out the window and immediately began to have thoughts of my Grandma Deon. I remember her rings on her fingers, the smell of her perfume, her gentle hugs, and playing in the weeds at her house with my cousin Carson. I remember sitting at her kitchen table covered in hundreds of books and magazines. I remember how my Grandpa would always kiss her on the cheek and tell her he loved her. But, one particular memory stood out for me…

One day I had a question about bottling her pickled beets. I called my Dad first and asked him for help. He explained he didn’t have the answer for me and that I should probably just give Grandma a call. When I called to discuss my questions with her, it was like she was standing right in the same room as me. I remember feeling like I could talk to her all day long. We discussed the pickled beets and then our conversation went to pickles, mustard pickles, bread & butter pickles, and then my family. Grandma helped answer my questions but also was concerned about how my family was doing and how life was going for me.

I wish I could turn back time. I would call her more often. I would visit her more often. I would spend a day bottling anything in the world with her. But, those days have came and gone. Until I see her again, I will always love canning her recipes and thinking of her every time I eat something I’ve bottled.

Right then I decided to say a prayer. I prayed for a good attitude despite the fact that I had started the day with a bad one. I prayed for my co-workers and the doctors who would be helping with my patients that day. I prayed for my patients, their families, and their loved ones. I prayed for myself that I might be able to do my best in order to help make my patients day better or possibly save their life. I prayed for peace.

Little did I know what the outcome of the day would bring…

For one particular family, it was a day they thought would probably never come. I won’t get into details (because I can’t) but my heart broke for a young family. Several times throughout the day, with tears in my eyes, I had to walk into another room and gather my composure. Sometimes as a nurse, it can be extremely hard to stay strong in front of the family, when deep down inside, your heart is breaking.

We are all humans with the same emotions. Every one of us has trials. Some people have bigger obstacles to overcome while others have it a little easier, or so it may appear. While you may think your trials are harder than other individuals, you have no idea what is going on in another person’s life. However, in my opinion, just because you are having a bad day, or week, try to have a good attitude. Look at the bright side of things and focus on your blessings rather than your burdens. I promise this can completely change the outlook on your life. I can promise this because I have experienced it, especially in the last few months.

Happiness isn’t something that falls on our doorstep everyday. Happiness is something we have to work for. Strive for. Pursue.

As a mother, I hope my children always recognize the blessings in their lives, rather than the trials or burdens they are facing. Sometimes life isn’t fair, but that doesn’t give us the right to place blame on others, or never forgiving others. I have tried to find the beauty and the blessings in all aspects of my life recently. I have been faced with trials I never saw coming. I have been angry, lonely, confused, and scared, but through my trials I have strived to stay positive and not let others carry my burdens or see my negative thoughts.

I am doing my best at pursuing happiness.

You can view a small video I put together HERE with assistance from my sister-in-law Tana for shooting some of the footage for us!